As of late I’ve had sleepless nights wondering how it would be possible for me to love my unborn baby as much as Alyssa. I couldn’t help but wonder. How on earth is it possible to share your love equally? Surely the bond between a Mother and her first born is stronger?
People say that when your second child is born you don’t halve your love you double it, but I was really struggling to fathom this. I really wasn’t planning on discussing this at all as I was a bit ashamed about these feelings, but once I read a poem I recently found, I knew I wasn’t the first and I won’t be the last. It literally had me in tears… these d@mn pregnancy hormones!!! I am going to read this every time I have the slightest feeling of doubt that “doubling” my love is not possible! Here it is:
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
I suppose my fear comes from the “unknown” and lack of experience in life with more than just one child. We’ll just take it one day at a time!
On a parting note, here are some pictures I asked Kurt to take to mark the last few weeks of my pregnancy and the time when he was outnumbered by the women in our home 🙂