Being married for almost 10 years – you’d think that Kurt and would know every single thing about each other. That’s what I thought too. But over the last month or so, we were proven wrong. I started reading Gary Chapman’s bestseller “The 5 love languages” after hearing and reading about the elusive love languages in countless conversations and articles.
And after reading the book, I can honestly say that I’ve found a “secret” to a long and happy marriage.
Have you heard about the 5 love languages ? If you haven’t, here’s a quick summary and my understanding of it.
1. Words of Affirmation
Verbal appreciation, compliments or encouragement for you to feel special and loved – this is what you will need to hear if your primary language is words of affirmation,Statements such like “You look beautiful in that new outfit”. Or: You are such great Dad to our children.
2. Quality Time
QT with loved ones is important for most of us, even more so if this is your primary love language. Undivided time and attention with activities that you enjoy doing together, speaks most to your heart if this is your primary love language.
3. Receiving Gifts
Who doesn’t love Gifts? Gifts are visual, tangible expressions of love and devotion. But if this is your love language, you are likely to value gifts as the most meaningful expression of love. Gifts do not have to be expensive though!
4. Acts of Service
Who would have thought that cleaning the kitchen, or bathroom, clearing the garage or looking after the kids on Saturday mornings can be an expression of love? It’s however only so if these acts are undertaken with no resentment!
5. Physical Touch
Physical Intimacy is only one aspect of physical touch which communicates love in a relationship. There are other forms of touching that mean the most. Shoulder rubs at the end of a long day, back or feet massages, holding hands, stroking a cheek or just a gentle hug. This means most to those with physical touch as their primary love language.
In the book, Chapman says that by understanding your partners love language and speaking their language, you can fill up their love tank as he calls it.
Marriages fail all too quickly as he explains. He says that after the honeymoon period of all relationships (roughly 2 years) , basically when that overwhelming spark has passed – understanding your partners love language and speaking to it will keep that spark alive and keep that love tank on full.
Prior to reading the book I always believed that Quality time was my primary love language. But after reading the book and fully understanding what quality time actually means – i.e undevided attention doing an activity that focuses on you and your partner – not just vegging on the couch together – I realised that it was those everyday moments of physical touch or even during our quality time that means most to me.
A little hug or holding hands while on a date – those are the messages which speak love to me!
When I read the chapter on acts of service, I knew that this was Kurt’s love language. He is yet to confirm, as he still has to read the book and fully understand it. But I can tell that he appreciates it when I plan and organise all of our lives. I could be wrong though 🙂
I also think that is the way that he expresses his love to me – by cooking and doing things around the house. I obvs appreciate it, but it’s not my love language and doesnt make me feel any more special than I already do.
The book also makes it clear that you can have more than one love language, but of course there will be a primary one that will be the game changer. And if your partner speaks that language well – your love tank will stay full.
This valentines day Kurt spoke to all of my love languages! I was completely taken a back by the day he planned for us. While I’m usually the one organasing all of our dates, he took the lead and booked dinner at our favourite restaurant way in advance, gave me a very creative gift and totally surprised me at the end of our dinner with a 10pm booking to watch 50 shades Freed! Say whaaaattt…
My love tank was certainly full after that!
After reading Chapman’s book, I’ve also come to realise Alyssa and Aidan’s love language. I think this will also help me to stay connected to them as they get older. Chapman even has a book that focuses on childrens love language – so this is definitely something I’m keen to explore further.
Have you read the book? Or off the bat, do you know what your love language is?
I found an online quizz where you can actually find out. Click here to take the quizz.
I’d love to hear your result 🙂